A!

hari ini tanggal 18 februari 2019, pagi tadi gue jemput pasien anak di TK nya setelah hari minggu sebelumnya janjian dengan ibunya untuk dibawa ke rsgm, koass gigi life; jemput-menjemput pasien untuk dibawa ke rs itu hal lumrah,  anak koass gigi pasti paham perihal cari-mencari pasien, jemput-menjemput serta bayar-membayari :)) wkwkwkwk gapapa nikmatin aja guys sampai lah di tk nya itu, celingak-celinguk nyari anaknya mana kok belum kelihatan, gue juga sambil nginget2 sejujurnya anaknya kayak gimana mukanya hahaha maklum baru sekali ketemu udah agak lupa, siapa tau pas berangkat sekolah dibedakin sama ibunya sampe gue pangling kan siapa yang tau, di sana anak kecil pada lari-larian ke sana kemari, enerjik banget, ketawa-ketawa, gue senyum liatnya ikutan seneng sambil bergumam 'ini sarapannya pada minum extra joss apa gimana ya' gadeng hahaha pokoknya anak-anak di sana kayak gaada beban, kerjaannya main-main doang terus tiba-tiba kebayang pas gue masih tk juga, udah aga...

I miss talking with my mom without feeling there's so much unfinished conflicts I have to say to her to resolve them, I miss being able to talk to her about everything, when any thing can turn into something funny, now I just don't feel like initiating it. I miss her being care of what I feel, I miss feeling we're on the same team. I miss not being easily upset about what she thinks and having to take a deep breath and just forget I never heard it. maybe what they say it's true, that your parents change as they grow old, but can I meet her again? all I think about is that I miss my mom, and I don't know where to run to.

my heart is broken most of the times, never by boys, never by my failures, or unfortunate events, but by my parents. always, every time. and it can't heal with the apologies or consolations it'll never get. I just have to live with it. and I think that's super true, that you just can't expect from humans, because you'll mostly get hurt by the people you want to make happy the most, and one thing I learned, again, in this life, you're on your own.