A!

here I go again... feeling the same old thing I hate so much over again, being in the surrounding you don't even feel comfortable with, it's always a mystery to me, chemistry between people, I just don't wanna try forcing things I don't feel like having. why is it I'm always separated with the people I wanna be with, the people who give me real comfort, the ones I truly wanna share my thoughts with, the older I get the more I realize, apparently it's such a luxury to be put with the ones you enjoy spending time with but seeing them striving for what they wanna get in their own ways give me happiness, I'm relieved, that they are still there, going after what they dream of, those people still exist in my life. it's just they are somehow not a part of my days. but I'm a strong believer that everything happens the way it's meant to be, there's something for me to be put through all these things, all the struggling alone, all the patie...

sedih deh punya muka bulet + tembem :( terlihat lebih gendut dari aslinya............ hix hix kayak kalau lu mau terlihat tirus atau kurus tuh harus bener2 kurus bgt :( lelah dgn segala ke-insecure-an diri ini cry

pernah enggak merasa suatu hal tidak berjalan seperti yg lu inginkan? lu usaha, tapi emang kayak gabisa aja gitu? kayak bukan untuk lu aja gitu? terus emang susah buat menerimanya, karena yaaaa emg lu pengen sesuatu itu? kayak terlalu memaksa gak sih rasanya? tapi kesel nih, soalnya gabisa dapet tapi kemudian..........jeng jeng jeng fast forward, beberapa bulan ke depan, atau mungkin tahun depannya, you found out that, that misfortune, that failure to get something you want, eventually led you to the things you need , dan lu merasa bersyukur, karena hal yang lu miliki sekarang adalah hal yang emang lebih cocok di elu, lu merasa hal yang kemarin lu inginkan itu emg bukan elu banget, ga cocok sebenernya, emang lu pengen itu waktu itu tapi sebenernya lu jg tau itu ga pas aja buat lu tp emg lu nya aja yg maksain keadaan wkwkwk dan ternyata waktu membuktikan bahwa hal yg lu dapatkan tanpa harus maksa2 ini justru lebih membahagiakan dan lebih pas untuk lu, yang terbaik untuk lu lah p...

H-47 bisa enggak ya aku? harus yakin, Bismillah, pasti bisa

semesta tidak berpusat padamu bumi berputar bukan hanya untukmu kadang meredam amarahmu yang menggebu menyelamatkanmu dari sesal mendatang bukan hanya kamu yang punya hati diam bukan berarti tidak ikut merasa tersakiti coba kamu lihat lagi, pelajari, kenapa orang lain bisa memilih untuk mengabaikan celamu sedangkan kamu terus mengungkit buruk orang lain yang sebenarnya hanya ada pada pandangmu

when you're sure of being unsure, and the time keeps passing by without you finding something that feels like this is it, you start questioning, is the problem with you, or does the universe conspire to dissociate you from the not matters? because it's not that you don't try it's just not the right fit yet.

pernah nonton reply 1988 blm? kalau blm tonton deh, ceritanya super heart-warming dan relatable. one of the best k-dramas ever btw, jd gue mau ngomongin tentang bora dan ayahnya, jadi ada satu scene, itu di episode terakhir kalau gue enggak salah, di mana bora nikah (trs emg pada dasarnya si bora sama ayahnya ini enggak terlalu suka banyak ngobrol dan lebih sering berantemnya) jadi pas bora nikah pun ngga terlalu diperlihatkan gimana banyak interaksi antara bora sama ayahnya, ya beda ya sm ibunya yang rempong ngurus-ngurusin anaknya nikah, trs nangis kejer pas emang anaknya mau pergi sama suaminya kynya sih buat bulan madu gitu gue lupa pokoknya pas tu acara hajatan dah kelar, bapaknya enggak banyak omong, cuman diem2 aja gitu sampe akhirnya pas di mobil, bora baru liat bahwa bapaknya itu nyelipin surat buat dia, dan udah deh itu banjir banget pas nonton :""""" sedih bgt terharu parah ges nah, kalau malem ini yang bikin gue banjir adalah ini.. ...

maybe they have it easily , or maybe they're gifted with it, but it's never pathetic to do some efforts to get it if you wanna have it too, it means you're a fighte r

I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, but at the same time I don't think I'm good at it. there are things I wanna explore, try, and do, but what's stopping me? none. I am stopping myself, just too lazy to make a movement, what a disappointment.

one thing I know for sure is I'm sure it's not the same anymore HEHEHEHEHE :)

as I’m getting older it’s harder for me to feel super comfy like I’m home with people, of course I can adjust, I think I’m good at that, but it’s just the feeling is not the same, you can seem like you’re having fun but actually longing for something, it’s possible, and only you can know that,  and how is it for you to find home at someone or something, only God knows how, is it just me or the is it just same with everyone? there’s still a faraway home not yet to be found

pernah nyangka ga sih lu bisa sampe di titik ini, fah? ngga kan? tp buktinya bisa-bisa aja tuh, nyampe-nyampe aja tuh ayo semangat dua tahun lagi untuk mencapai titik selanjutnya, you can do it 💜💛💗💙♡♡♡ keep in mind, there's nothing you can't do with Allah everything is possible.

my father is a very kind-hearted man, he really likes helping others, and makes it easier for anyone. he's selfless, never thinks about what's beneficial for him; always others, he's funny, he's religious, he still wears the same shirt my mother bought for him almost like 10 years ago, he likes eating satay, he enjoys playing gate ball, he doesn't think money is everything, he's not interested in luxury stuff, he works hard, he likes his coffee black, he has a small gap between his front teeth, I love him, but sometimes, I feel like it's so hard to get his attention, his affection, he's always so full of excitement around my sister or my brother, he's completely himself, but why is it a bit different with me? I know he doesn't mean it, but that's just what happens naturally, I think I just wanna be my daddy's little girl

you can be around something for soooo long but still so unsure about it, and also you can know something only for a while to know that you want it for a lifetime. it's funny, but that's how life works sometimes.

buka sosial media lagi  bikin sumpek banget, dimana-mana pemberitaan yang isinya menjatuhkan orang, dan lucunya lagi banyak orang-orang yg sebenernya gatau apa-apa lalu ikutan membenci, mencela, bahkan tanpa mau mencari tau lebih jauh lagi, pokoknya mah arusnya lagi pada kesel nih sama orang satu ini, lalu dihate, dicela, dibully, nanti ada orang lagi yang terblowup untuk sesuatu yang agak berbeda dari dia biasanya, langsung dicari-cari lagi celanya, dihina-hina entah kenapa gue tu selalu takut banget untuk berkomentar tentang sesuatu yang enggak gue pahami secara keseluruhan, tong kosong banget, emang mau lu disamain sama tong kosong? mending mah tong yang isinya penuh berlian hahahahha (apasih) ya jadi seenganya cari tau dulu kebenaran segala suatu berita dari segala sisi gitu jangan lu telen mentah-mentah entar keselek (lah?) hahahaha sekarang nih ya contohnya, hanan attaki lagi dibully banget sama orang-orang, diomongin banget, padahal mah gue yakin, yang bully-bully itu j...

been a long time since the last time I saw him, well I probably have seen him, but not in person, I haven't met him for quite long time I guess? what do you call a feeling that's kinda longing his presence but at the same time you know he'll just upset you, and make you feel little? I know he never meant it, but that's just what I feel every time he says things I don't wanna hear.

why is it so hard for me lately to finish something? entah itu baca buku, nonton series, atau nonton film, selalu gaada excitement dari dalam diri untuk menyelesaikan gitu. kangen deh sama perasaan bener-bener tenggelam dalam buku terus pengen baca sampe abis, belum puas kalau belum tau akhirnya, kalau nonton series pun sekarang belum menemukan lagi yang mana bisa membuat penasaran dan nunggu2in untuk tau kelanjutannya. baca komik juga, baca komik yang dulunya bener-bener disuka, baru baca dikit aja udah bosen, ga tertarik lagi. ah, udah beda kali ya? atau 'lagi' beda aja?

is there really someone who matches our soul?

There was a time when I would have believed them If they told me that you could not come true

petuah-petuah bela tersayang yang ada di note line 

did you ever wonder you're put where you wanted to be and felt like God had granted what you wished for? I did, and actually just lived it for almost 4 years, it's not always a smooth road but I'm grateful of it. Alhamdulillah can't believe I actually manage to get myself a degree u guys!! :") dan selalu merasa dibantu sama Allah dalam hal apapun itu, dipertemukan sama banyak orang baik, dilancarkan jalannya, serta dikuatkan hatinya saat sedang ada masalah. feels so blessed. another 2 years of struggling is waiting around the corner, but just cherish the moment, shall we? Jogja,  sepertinya sampai kapanpun gue akan tetap jatuh cinta, walau selalu Tangerang tempat untuk pulang, tapi Jogja akan selalu tetap punya ceritanya sendiri.  Jogja, tempat di mana untuk pertama kalinya gue merasakan berdiri di atas kaki sendiri (well not literally, emg biasanya gue berdiri pake kaki siape? tp ya lu paham lah ya cuy)  Jogja, tempat di mana orang-orang ...

disgusted by how shallow a person can be, more disgusted by how sometimes I am.

day 27 of Ramadhan, faraway from home, alone in my room, still so many things to be grateful of.

again, lost in confusion

pernah nggak ngerasa dan nyadarin betapa baiknya Allah sama kita? coba deh diam, lalu sedikit merenung, betapa sesungguhnya banyaaaaaaaaaaak banget nikmat yang telah dikasih sama Allah dan harus kita syukuri, bahkan rasa syukur itu sendiri adalah nikmat loh dari Allah buat kita, itu kalau kata gue sih, soalnya gue pernah berada di posisi yang mana gue selalu ngerasa kurang, apapun itu, selalu pengen lebih, apa-apa bawaannya iri sama orang, dan itu adalah hal yang sangat tidak enak guys😢 jadi saat lo menemukan diri lo jadi lebih sadar dengan segala nikmat yang Allah kasih, dan bisa bersyukur, bersyukur lagi, Allah sayang sama kita dan mau kita lebih bahagia dengan hidup kita beserta isinya. dan ternyata, yang hal buruk yang menimpa kita, kondisi yang tidak kita inginkan, pokoknya semua hal yang bikin kita nangis-nangis bombay tuh terus mikir "kenapa sihhhh??? hal ini terjadi sama gueee??? gue salah apa? hiks hiks hiks" ya kurang lebih yg kayak gitu lah kebayang lah y...

hanya Allah satu-satunya penolong, tempat berharap, meminta pertolongan. tolong bantu hamba ya Allah.

di umur gue yang 21 tahun ini, gue merasa gue belum melakukan apa-apa atau membuat apa-apa yang menjadikan diri gue merasa bangga menjadi seorang Afifah Rossy Wardhani. belum, bukan nggak bakal, tapi itu sih yang gue tau pasti, gue nggak mau jadi gini-gini aja. lalu setelah dipikir-pikir gue juga terlalu banyak menghabiskan waktu gue untuk nongkrong sana-sini, haha hihi doang, nggak produktif banget, diajak kemana-mana hayuk, setelah gue renungi lagi itu nggak banget. lo mau jadi apa? hidup lo kenapa unfaedah banget sih? stop nunda-nunda segala sesuatu, jadi lebih ambisius dikit lah fah! gapapa, it's good to have something to chase for, don't be afraid to lose things or even people. what's meant to be will always stay. semua udah diatur sama Allah, gausah takut sama pikiran lo sendiri gausah takut sama hal-hal yang sebenernya nggak penting-penting banget dan kalau lo liat di lima tahun mendatang lo juga nggak merasa bangga dan mendapatkan apa-apa dari itu?

he, the one who keeps popping everywhere. how can i get rid of you? should i get rid of you? it's like a cycle i can not stop. no matter how relieved i was that it's all gone, i'll always come back to the square one. and i keep hurting myself by making myself become so silly and naive.

it only takes flying back to home, hugging my mother, meeting my old friends, catching up with my father, re-watching my favorite movies, reading good books, eating my mother's cooking to finally I become me again. everything about home heals me. grateful. I'm blessed. you make your own happiness. never count your blessings in things or fortune. I felt like I learned it all the hard way, but after all, I'm grateful. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah now let me have a story-telling time! he he I still have skripsi to do back in Jogja, I really hope it will be done before Ramadhan. but I guess I can only do the best I can and let God decide the rest. and I have this plan to do after done with my skripsi, I wanna make clothes you know! hehe it's always my dream since I was a little kid but never came to reality. I guess it's now or never, right? I've always had this love for clothes and it's nice thinking I can turn my fantasy into re...

hey, let me tell you a little secret, I love seeing him laughs, his voice when he holds his laughter? such a lovely sound. he's an impossibility that keeps me wondering. but for now, I just don't wanna know anything.

so, there's this one thing that always moves me to tears, every time it happens, always, and it's been happening for years I guess? it's bottled up inside me but seems to easily move to surface every time it's triggered. :( gausah ada yg baca ini mendingan, karena emg gue nulis ini seakan gaada yg baca, jadi kalau lo ternyata kebetulan baca, I don't need your comment. I always feel like I'm the least loved child, and to be exact, by my father. that's what I always feel this whole time, doesn't mean he's mean to me or something, no, he's still kind. but I always have this feeling of him not trusting me like he does to my sister, or him not enjoying my company as he does to my brother, and I can see how he loves my sister and my brother so much, from his gestures, from his sayings, and everything, meanwhile you can see how I always try so hard to get his attention, to be the child he loves as much as he does to my siblings. that...

11:17 PM Never be daunted - Jaymay, is playing right now you know, I've never felt good about myself I always doubt myself, why? I don't even know why maybe because I need someone to tell me that I can? but why should I need that? I don't need that, I can do everything by myself I'm independent when I say I can, I can I will

kangen banget sama tangerang beserta isinya :( sedih lagi ngerasa asing banget di jogja berasa alien kangen pingin pulang tapi afifah harus dewasa gaboleh kayak begini terus gatau di sini hrs bersandar sm siapa bingung sedih tapi try to grow up, oke fah?

hello my diary, semoga gaada yg baca ini ya, hanya ingin mengungkapkan keluh kesah, kalaupun ada yg baca blg gue lebay, be my guest, I don't care, sedih :( sedih karena kesiangan terus sholat subuhnya padahal gue udh pasang alarm, dan entah kenapa gue udh matiin tuh alarmnya bahkan, trs tiba-tiba pas bangun udh agak siang :( maafkan aku ya Allah :( in times I should seek for Him gini kenapa gue malah seperti ini :( berasa gue mau minta-minta sesuatu, tp gatau diri dan padahal gue suka kebangun tiba-tiba jam 2 atau 3 gitu, tp kenapa ga bergerak jg dari kasur :(( hix I'll do better starting tomorrow, insha Allah :( semoga ga kayak diet ya starts tomorrownya :( ngga ko :(